2017 Rebel Queen Reloaded
I am going to be very transparent, open, and vulnerable. That goes against everything people tell you and the way you are raised. But I’m over with what you are “supposed” to do. Rebels don’t do that, we live life by our own rules. Leaders should also be transparent and share not only the highs but the lows. We are all human and no one is perfect. We are so afraid to make mistakes that we end up missing out on great opportunities. My mission in life is to help people, my calling at the moment is to help women heal, so I have to be transparent.
I have been struggling lately with self-doubt. Everyone does at some point. But this has been detrimental to me and my mission. To understand this, I need to give a background. So, I am a life coach and owner of Rebel Queen Coaching. I am new to coaching and as of November 2014, I completed my coaching certification program and I am now a Certified Professional Life Coach. But if you have just stumbled across post, you’re probably like, what the hell is a life coach and what is coaching?
Coaching is a co-creative relationship, meaning the coach and the client are equal. A coach is your thinking partner. Both of you together create more power for you to create meaningful change and take massive actions towards your goals in life. A coach listens to you and asks you certain questions to create shifts in your thinking. They hear what you are saying and hear what you are not saying. A coach is also your personal cheerleader, it’s all about you and what you want and a coach helps you achieve it.
Now, a brief background on how I got here. In 2012, I was at a crossroads in my life. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself, but I knew that what I was currently doing was not cutting it and something had to change. After working with a coach, I discovered that I wanted to become a coach so I could help other women what I had learned: That you can discover your calling in life and there is a way to do it!
But even to get to that point, I learned that there was a lot of work that had to be done on the inside. I had (and still have) so much to heal from. I then realized there are so many hurting people in this world that need what I have to offer. So I began the work to start healing. Most of what I needed to heal from was a negative mindset and self-limiting belief systems. I’ve always been a positive person, but there were still some negative thought patterns I didn’t even know I had. As I started to dig into these thought patterns, I then realized where they started.
I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child by my mother. My mother didn’t understand, and still doesn’t understand what effect it had on me. She thought she was helping me by picking at me constantly about my weight with hurtful words and comments. She had no idea that every word was like a bullet to my head. My self-esteem was shot down at every chance. I was told that I needed to lose weight so I could get and keep a boyfriend. What I heard was, “unless you look a certain way, no one will love you.” What I also heard was, “because you don’t look a certain way, I don’t love you and I’m very displeased with you.”
This lead to as I stated earlier, no self-esteem, poor self-worth, self-loathing, depression, confusion, looking for love in the wrong places, etc. I kept hearing that I wasn’t good enough because she found fault with everything I did from the way I looked to the way I kept my room.
Fast forward to 2015, I’m in my mid-thirties and I still struggle with these issues. I have started working even more on healing from these issues and the issues I have with my mother. I love her and as an adult, I do understand she is only human and not perfect. I understand she learned this behavior and passed it on to me. But I refuse to pass this cycle on any further. It stops with me. And I want to help other women overcome this as well. This is not talked about at all, not in my community or any communities of other women I know. Yet, many of us continue to struggle with these issues well into adulthood.
Now back to the issue I’m currently struggling with: self-doubt. I know that my calling is bigger than life. It’s bigger than me. Every day that I allow myself to stay hidden, I let someone down that needs me. Someone I haven’t even met yet. I am afraid, it’s so scary to share yourself with the world. There is always the fear of rejection. I am repeatedly rejected by someone in some area of my life. Then I start doubting my talents and gifts, like why do I think I can do this? Every time I get closer to success, I hear the words I was told early on in my life “when it gets hard, you’re just going to fail”. I was told this at 17. I’m 34 years old now and I still can hear this like it was yesterday. Doesn’t this sound like an example of how words can kill someone? I know this isn’t true, and that these were words projected on me because of my mother’s issues and fears. Even with knowing this, it still comes up.
No one seems to want to talk about being verbally abused, because most people think you are just being too sensitive. Those are the same people that also don’t understand depression as well. Most people don’t understand what it is like and don’t want to hear about it anyway. And that’s why no one is fully healing from it. I want to give women a safe place to get all of this out without judgment or ridicule. God knows she went through enough of that with her abuser. We can’t heal from the things we are not willing to face.
Healing starts by talking about it, even when it’s painful. It’s not easy for me to share this with the world. So I know it’s not easy for the other women that have suffered from it. But I am doing it for them. God has called them to do and be great things, but they are standing in their own way and have no idea. They have no idea that the low self-esteem, poor self-image, lack of self-love, etc. is causing their confusion and frustration. It’s causing them to stay stuck in bondage to jobs and careers they aren’t called to be in, relationships that don’t serve them, connected to people that aren’t good to them, loyal to people who don’t care about them. It keeps them away from the relationships that can build them up, careers that they would flourish in and actually thriving, not just merely surviving. I know this from experience, because it is my story. Once I was ready to learn how to deal with it, my teacher showed up. Now, I’m ready to share this with other women.
I still have to deal with these issues as they come up. But they don’t run my life anymore. I know when I’m standing in my own way, and I still work with my own coach. Healing is a 24/7 thing and it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not easy either. It takes work. And the result of that work is freedom. Freedom from the past, freedom from the words that have haunted you, freedom from what your abuser thinks, and freedom from what anyone else thinks or says to you.
When those words I heard at 17 come back, now I can say to them “You have no power over me. I can and will be a success”. They may come up, but I do not accept them as the truth. When self-doubt peeks its ugly head around the corner, I scream to myself: “GET OUT OF MY WAY!” Do you need to get out of your own way?